It has been a wild week in the NHL, which you would think would be about the current Stanley Cup Final between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Carolina Hurricanes. After all, it is 3–2 series with over 30 goals between the two teams and two overtime games, plus massive lead swings. Arguably, the most entertaining final in years (the Edmonton Oilers fan says reluctantly through gritted teeth).
But what has actually been dominating the headlines has nothing to do with the final. Instead, it is about the decision of the Oilers to potentially hire Mike Babcock as their new head coach.
This is causing a media storm because hiring Babcock is controversial, to put it mildly.
Babcock’s controversial NHL history
He was banished from the NHL in 2019 after being fired by the Toronto Maple Leafs. It later came out that he was quite the abusive coach, even going back to his Mighty Ducks of Anaheim and Detroit Red Wings days. There was a laundry list of bullying. It included things like benching Mike Modano so he could not play 1,500 NHL games, asking rookie Mitch Marner to rank his teammates’ effort levels from most to least and subsequently telling the rest of the team, and abusing Johan Franzen to the point that he was having panic attacks.
Babcock got a second chance when he was hired in Columbus in 2023. However, his tenure lasted just 78 days, after it was discovered that Babcock was back to his usual antics. This time he was asking to look through his players’ phones in their one-on-one meetings. Although it is coming out that there may have actually been more actions that have not yet been aired.
An investigation was to be started, but didn’t proceed when Babcock re-signed.
Now, however, that investigation is to be re-initiated in order to determine whether or not he would be able to coach the Oilers, should they choose to hire him.
This media circus seems to be absolutely not worth the hassle or reward of hiring Babcock. Firstly, the man hasn’t coached in the NHL in seven years, so no one knows if he actually still has that ability. Secondly, he hasn’t had much success since going back-to-back finals in 2008 and 2009. Thirdly, well, it seems to be a universally accepted fact that he is an @$$hole.
But it seems the one thing the Oilers liked about Babcock was the fact that they believe they need a “firmer hand” at the wheel.
The Oilers options appear to be running thin though, with Vegas blocking their ability to interview Bruce Cassidy and now Peter Laviolette being hired in Los Angeles.
Given the potential dearth of options, the Oilers may need to think a little bit outside of the box. Here are some potential avenues they could look at, given their apparent preference for someone like Babcock.
The Devil: Miroslav Satan
If you want a bad person with a firm hand, you may as well start at the top. Sure, it may cause some confusion with the name, but if Martin St. Louis can play for Tampa and New York and coach Montreal, then it’s okay to have the Devil coach despite there being another team named after him. We would shy away from calling him Satan, since it may make people think the team hired Miroslav Satan.
Now, I’m not sure how much hockey knowledge the Devil actually has, but you can bet players will listen to him, lest they get on his bad side. Do you really want to risk eternal damnation because you missed a check?
There is also one really high upside with this hire that makes him a pretty good choice: as part of his compensation, the Oilers just need to sell him one of their souls in exchange for winning a Stanley Cup. I am not sure if that would be considered some kind of tampering or cheating, but hey, may as well try?
No coach behind the bench
There hasn’t been a player-coach in the NHL since Doug Harvey had that role for the New York Rangers in 1961–62. It is also not clear if it is even legal anymore.
But, instead of a player-coach, why not just have no one in charge? After all, in beer leagues, teams don’t have a coach. Whoever is in charge really only has one duty, which is to make sure someone is bringing the beer.
Let these highly skilled players go out there and just…play. After all, they know hockey; do they really need that much direction?
Plus, are you really going to sit there and tell me that it wouldn’t be even a little bit entertaining to see an offensive team play what is essentially shinny hockey?
Sure, it could maybe dissolve into dressing room chaos and a Lord of the Flies situation, but are you telling me that that would be any worse than picking a coach who apparently makes that his goal in a weird, sick, twisted way?
That one guy in the group chat who complains about every play, player, move, etc.
If you have a group chat that talks about the Oilers, you have a guy who seems literally incapable of saying a single good thing about the team or any of its players. Even if the team wins 16–0, if the Oilers let even one shot against, that is the play they harp on to say why the team will never win a cup.
“My group chat doesn’t have that guy,” you say? Well, I got bad news, buddy—that means it’s you.
But the good news is now you get to be behind the bench, making all the decisions. Here is your chance to prove to everyone else that you are, in fact, that hockey genius you have claimed to be all this time and fix all these terrible, terrible issues with the team.
Remember how you said that if you scratched Darnell Nurse and Evan Bouchard, the team would never let in another goal? Now you have the ability to make that reality happen and become the hero we Oilers fans don’t deserve, but need right now.
A Flames, Canucks, and/or Maple Leafs fan
Sort of like the group chat sourpuss, rival fans make fun of anything and everything their rival team does. Obviously, this comes from more of a fan trolling basis, but maybe they could be on to something?
Would they take the opportunity to completely sabotage the team? Maybe. But maybe having that villain brings the team closer together and play well to spite them. Or, again, maybe these rival fans do know more than us Oilers fans, and so they can show it and lord it over us forever. After all, taking your rival’s team to a cup is kind of a power move, in a weird, bittersweet way.
A literal dinosaur
If the team wants to go backwards in time and hire a dinosaur who isn’t suitable for the modern world, why not go all in and hire a T-rex? Just call Ingen and ask them to break out the old cloning tools one more time.
Granted, if you go with Rexy, there is the logistical issue of her size. I am not sure the bench or ice would be able to support her. The reworking of the bench to be able to fit her in would result in the loss of an extreme amount of seating capacity and, therefore, revenue. But if her coaching strategy is “you screw up, I eat you,” I think that is pretty motivating. Plus, she would be pretty intimidating to the other team.
You could solve the size problem by hiring a velociraptor like Blue. Also, she is extremely smart and doesn’t attack humans. Velociraptors are pack creatures and very good at strategy, so she actually could be great at creating an attacking offence.
Oh shoot, I just realized in typing the above that both Rexy and Blue are girls.. Damn, guess that option is out for the NHL’s old boys club.
Photo by Curtis Comeau/Icon Sportswire
TOR has launched The Oil Rig Podcast!
All episodes are available on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, and more! Check it out!
